"Most of us live only within the level of consciousness— consciously serving and consciously devoted to God. This shows immaturity and the fact that we’re not yet living the real Christian life. Maturity is produced in the life of a child of God on the unconscious level, until we become so totally surrendered to God that we are not even aware of being used by Him. When we are consciously aware of being used as broken bread and poured-out wine, we have yet another level to reach— a level where all awareness of ourselves and of what God is doing through us is completely eliminated. A saint is never consciously a saint— a saint is consciously dependent on God." - Oswald Chambers

So Peter seeing him said to Jesus, "Lord, and what about this man?" Jesus said to him, "If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!" - John 21:21-22

The Answers Can Wait

"When we are distressed by our inability to answer life's most vexing questions, we must remember that Christ did not come to satisfy our curiosity. Rather, He saw us as fallen and hurt, and He came to lift and heal."

- Herbert Vander Lugt

God's been teaching me so much over these past few months.

He's taught me what it really means to die to myself and to persevere.

Funny thing is.. when I posted up Matthew 4:20 in my last post-- I don't think I really understood what that meant at the time. I believe God decided to put me up to that challenge. He asked me if I was really able to leave everything and follow Him.

A few months ago I asked God to open up my wounds and to medicate them. I asked God to reveal what I didn't know about myself, and He answered my prayer at the most unexpected time. When God told me to let go.. I didn't want to. I was comfortable-- I was tired of being humbled. I didn't understand why I had to go through pain, and it was so easy to be angry at God. But at that point there was no one else to depend on but Him.

I have a better understanding of why He put me through this test. Through His grace, God taught me these things:

I've learned that I wasn't ready and that I was serving two masters. I've learned that I only liked the idea of Jesus's teachings rather than truly living out his ways. I've learned that I was leaning more upon God's blessings rather than God Himself.

I'm still healing.. and I have no idea what else God has in store for me.. but I'm looking forward to it more than ever. I am thankful for these trials.. I am thankful for His provision -- His love and grace.

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known." - 1 Corinthains 13:12 (NASB)

"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!" - 1 Corinthians 13:12 (The Message)

"How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word." - Psalm 119:9 (NASB)

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead," - 1 Peter 1:3 (NASB)

At once they left their nets and followed him.

- Matthew 4:20

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said. 
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

John 8:3-11

slumdog millionaire:

who knew that such a powerful story could be derived from narrative about a "who wants to be a millionaire" game show. it wasn't all about the game show, but it definitely worked perfectly well into the story of jamal mikal.

this movie is incredibly intense. the narrative is exhilarating. it is frightening, smart, and touching at the same time. director danny boyle seems to take all the risks in portraying the true colors of india's slums. boyle assures that this is more than a love story. he does not shy away from difficult thematic issues, and willingly wrestles with the core of the inner human spirit.

it's always been inspiring to see boyle tackling on a different genre every time. artistically, he seems to keenly understand how to bring forth attention to the unusual (or usual but ignored) aspects of our lives. we wouldn't dare dive into the toilet bowl with renton in trainspotting.. bear every man-made mistake with capa in sunshine.. or willingly stab your friend to death for the sake of survival with selena in 28 days later.

in slumdog millionaire, there is a scene where young jamal is locked inside of an outhouse-- he desperately needs to get out so that he can get a signed autograph from the famous amitabh bachchan who is nearby. the only exit is through the hole. jamal decides to jump into the pile of stools. he falls in, and gets covered in human feces from head to toe. jamal successfully exits the outhouse. he runs towards the celebrity, squeezing his way through a rowdy crowd (inevitably smearing "it" all over the other peoples clothes). jamal finally stands in front of bachchan holding up the picture of the celebrity that he wants signed. curiously, bachchan takes the picture, signs it, and hands it back to the boy covered in stool. jamal feels victorious.

would we have jumped in with him?

this might sound a bit strange, but i've always wondered if any filmmaker would be brave enough to somehow incorporate human feces as a vital element in a story. i've always wondered how an audience would agree with that sort of content.

that type of stuff works all too well with jamal mikal--

a slumdog who will do anything to achieve his passions.

                    (stauffenberg on the far left; hitler in the middle)

valkyrie:

it was pretty exciting to watch this with my german stepdad.

a historically accurate, and intense political thriller.

i didn't know too much about the july plot. i only knew that this was a story about a man who attempted to assassinate adolph hitler. while watching valkyrie, i learned about a whole new side of germany. more than just an assassination attempt, claus von stauffenberg held the ambition to save germany from disaster. there was too much at stake if hitler was to stay in power.

i am honestly mesmerized by this story of loyalty and sacrifice. stauffenberg and his men had the utmost ambition to do what was right; they tried their best to bring justice upon hitler. this is something that i would've enjoyed learning more about in history class.

i appreciate how bryan singer tells this story. he shows great attention to detail, and manages to leave no room for bs. the story is taut, and every minute of it is focused on the july plot. and for a historical movie, it's not boring either. artistically, the filmmakers knew how to place their audience in this threatening situation. although we know the fate of these good men, we still hope for their plans to succeed.

what did my stepdad think of it?

erich thought it was awesome!

the curious case of benjamin button:

the film definitely holds your curiosity about benjamin button. it moves through the motions of growing up with this strange character who doesn't exactly live in the same universe as everyone else. the audience is drawn to what life would look like if you grew younger everyday.

in an interview with "living in cinema", directer david fincher explains how he imagined the two characters of benjamin and daisy as two halves of a whole-- two people who are meant to be with each other. what's interesting is that their time together is defined through their time apart. benjamin and daisy live separate lifestyles until they find the right timing to be with each other.

although a love story at it's core, i appreciate how thematically layered the story is. it wrestles with life, death and acceptance. as we grow younger with benjamin, we certainly don't view life by its minutes but by its moments. as the story plays out episodically through the different stages of benjamin's life, we learn that he holds a unique quality of acceptance. this allows him to truly appreciate what is given and taken away. through his patience, benjamin values every moment in his life.

i like how the filmmakers did not let the story fall into it's own gimmickry. it stays away from being too picture-perfect. the filmmakers knew when to step out of the fantasy tale by cutting back to old daisy in the hospital room. this modern day element allows the audience to stay grounded in reality-- thinking about what might happen next before falling back into more episodes of benjamin button's life. in the end, we find all the pieces and episodes come together as a whole in the end-- just like the relationship between benjamin and daisy.

it surprises me to see this film being unfairly compared to forrest gump. could it be because eric roth wrote both films? i recognized a small similarity with its structure in storytelling however, the curious case of benjamin button still holds a completely different narrative and vision. if comparisons are to be made, this story excels artistically because of its mature and introspective viewpoint on humanity.

finals are over!

it's been a great semester.

a lot of learning, growing, and new experiences. i'm feeling more confident in the fact that this is what i'm suppose to be doing-- not just studying film, but pursuing it through faith. throughout this fall semester, it's become clear to me how much i need to put my trust in God. i cannot place confidence in my own devices and works; my confidence must be placed in God alone.

one experience that certainly changed me was during my documentary project.

while making the first cut of my "hallowed" documentary, i decided to hide the element of faith because i thought that i would lose my audience's attention. i became ashamed of my faith. however, God worked through this documentary school project (how scary is that) to teach me what it really means to have self-less faith.

oswald chambers once said that people "want the blessing of God, but they can’t stand something that pierces right through to the heart of the matter." when i believed that my faith was self-less, God showed me where my faith really stood. i was in much denial and found myself not wanting to take in the truth. but thanks to His persistence, i took in what i needed to hear.

i submitted "hallowed" to the 10th annual epidemic film festival along with my other short film "rise". "hallowed" won the Best Documentary award-- i was absolutely thrilled :).

when i accepted that award, i realized that this was something that i did not accomplish alone. through this experience, i was reminded of how God truly does not leave us the way we are. He is always faithful! in return, i must always place my confidence and faith in Him. always.

"Your will above all else, my purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love you from the inside out"

Today, God has taught me that Thanksgiving is not about our circumstances, but instead it is about our perspective.

I am thankful for the simple things in my life.

I am thankful

for my family,

for my friends,

for my education,

for my living situation,

for my opportunities,

for my choices.

On a more personal note, i am thankful

for being God's beloved,

for what He gives and takes away,

for the deserts and pain, because this let's me know that i am alive in Him,

for His unconditional love,

for redemption and hope.

If I am not thankful for any of these things,

then I pray for a thankful heart.

it's been an intense couple of weeks!

i've re-edited my hallowed documentary for the final cut. it all came together, and i'm glad to say that i've received a lot of positive feedback from my professors and classmates. although a ton of weight has fallen off of my shoulders, there was still something that i didn't feel completely satisfied about.

i assumed that this was the only challenge that i needed to face and overcome. however, i've forgotten and come to realize that there was more than one thing that i wasn't doing right in my walk with God. i became aware of my other mistakes--

we truly are imperfect beings, but we don't know it all the time. we often lose ourselves in this shroud, and it's not easy to recognize the buried issues that hinder us-- pride, lust, the need to control, taking pleasure in idols, anger. it becomes a long list, and yea.. it can be a total guilt trip. but recognizing these flaws within ourselves, and lifting them all up to God is where we find the true beauty in the Holy Spirit. God loves us so much that He needs to keep us accountable, no matter how painful it is. that truly is unconditional love.

my pastor on sunday spoke briefly of judgment day during his message. he asked us if we thought if this was good news. a lot of people did not really know how to respond. i didn't know how to respond-- was this something to feel enthusiastic about? the wrath of God?

"this is good news," said pastor sean. actually, it is great news. he explained that God loves us so much that He needs to keep us accountable by bringing justice upon us. "for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." (john 3:16)

God loves us enough to accept us just as we are. but He loves us too much to leave us that way.

just being reminded of all of this has made my heart heavy throughout the past couple of weeks. throughout my studies, and my free time.. God has kept me accountable, and i am very grateful for that.

"Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still i will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord"

Screening "RISE" at Hallowed: an Underground Awakening

About the Event

"Hallowed is an annual collaborative event that provides an opportunity for artists and participants to explore the connections between artistic expression and spirituality. Our theme this year is Lens: focused on compassion. 

Join us for an awesome night of film, photography, spoken word and amazing music! We are partnering with agencies advocating for justice - International Justice Mission, Call + Response, Food for the Hungry, CityTeam, and the Santa Clara County Environmental Planning Commission. There will be powerful short films on compassion being screened. We will also be premiering my short filmSink. The bands and musicians are off the hook – Finding Mercury, After Sunday, Edge, Elohim Pichardo, DJ Incognito, and an open mic hosted by Jonah. 

“Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed.  Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows.” (Isaiah 1:17) We are using the arts to spread awareness and inspire everyone to take action! My vision is to see hearts and lives transformed. The power of art can change the world! Guests will leave with an awareness that we are the solution to injustice and we can make a difference!"

Hallowed: an underground awakening
Saturday, October 25th at 7pm
The Oasis
200 N First Street
San Jose, CA  95112
Free Event

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've finished making my short film "RISE" :).

Overall, I'm very pleased with how it all came out-- and I'm especially thankful for my two good friends, Jeff Bacani and Nick Corvello, who played the two main roles in this piece.

I've been given the opportunity to screen "RISE" at the 6th annual Hallowed event which I've mentioned above. Very excited to watch this with a large audience :). And I'm very much hoping to see this story contribute to the cause of this event: using our artwork to make a difference.

We'll also be screening "Sink" for the first time at this event. I haven't mentioned this earlier (thanks to my failed commitment to updating this blog), but I've been attached as one of the main editors for "Sink". I can't express how many problems we've run into during the editing process. Post-production for a 35mm project is definitely no joke-- especially when it's handed down to a couple of editors with no professionally related experience! We're definitely learning a lot though.. that's always a plus.

Anyways, the final cut for "Sink" isn't due for another month or so. We're still planning on transferring the footage to HD, which will take some time. I'll try to update regularly on how that process is going.

there's only time to do a project.. and another one.. and another one after that. when there's leftover time, i get to catch up on tv shows, grab a burrito, play one exhibition game of mlb the show, or do this. what i really should be doing is catching up on my sleep... right? sleep...

i've been working on a short film recently which i've been pretty excited about. the title of it is "rise" and the theme of the story revolves around the act of letting go of our burdens.

i'm pretty excited because this is the first time i got to shoot a project on my new hd canon hv30 camcorder-- capturing in 24p. although this higher format requires a little more patience during post-production, the results definitely make up for it.

like in any new project, i'm trying to experiment with new methods of storytelling. for "rise," i've been focusing my attention on sound design, and placement of music. i'm hoping to create a compelling experience through moments of silence, and allowing the subtlety of that to help develop the characters in the story.

i'm still in the middle of editing it right now--

i should be finished with it by next week!

this blog has been deserted for some time now.

i noticed that i haven't followed up with any updates for my involvement in the "sink" production... oops.

well, pre-production went fairly well for "sink." there was definitely a lot of logistics to cover for this 35mm shoot.

i was given another role for this project-- i got to work as the second AC... very exciting! my job was to pretty much work closely with our first AC, and cinematographer. i responsibilities were to clean and provide the lenses, handle the slate clapper, and haul a whole bunch of equipment. not to mention safeguarding the arriflex camera at all times.

we began shooting last saturday, at 7am, and finished production around 11:30pm on that same day. it was roughly a 17 hour shoot. having had no experience with working professionally on a 35mm project before, this was quite a learning experience for me haha.

it got very difficult to work as the second AC, and location manager at the same time. helping out the the rest of the crew while sticking close to the arriflex got frustrating at times. but i guess that just made things a whole lot more interesting for me during the shoot! there was a tremendous amount of effort put in by everyone on the team. miraculously, we had little to no complications with following our shooting schedule. i believe it's pretty common to run into some delays on this type of production-- but we powered through in time.

oh, and it was very exhausting... fun, but exhausting.

anyways, i don't think i have much more time to talk about anything else in detail right now. during this past month, i've basically settled into my new apartment, and began my fall semester at academy of art. i'm pretty thrilled about my third semester here...

for some odd reason, i was going through a very uneasy time during the summer-- and a lot of it had to do with my doubts concerning my stay at AAU. but i'm feeling very content right now...

some very exciting news--

i've recently been attached to a short film project, titled "sink." getting a pretty good taste of collaborating with different roles during the pre-production phase. i've been assigned as the location manager for the project-- hopefully i'll also get to help out with the grips for our cinematographer when we get into production. for now, i feel pretty content with what i've contributed; we have our locations set, and the crew seems pretty happy about it.

what's also exciting is-- we'll be shooting on 35mm stock footage, which just makes everything so much more legit. i dunno how i'm gonna contain myself when that arrives...

limit spectacle

when franz found out about the death of his closest friend, mccandless, he renounced the Lord, and became an atheist. "i decided i couldn't believe in a God who would let something that terrible happen to a boy like alex." (into the wild)

i think for the longest time, i always thought that i would blame God if he ever took away something that i could absolutely not live without. but, after reading what became of franz at the end of chapter six, i felt like.. that this wasn't the right way for him to feel. the mourning is what we inevitably will need to go through in order to endure, and overcome a tragedy. but to blame God no longer makes any sense to me.

mccandless was one of the most extraordinary people, and best of friends that franz has ever met in his entire life. mccandless changed franz, and showed him that there was more for him to seek, and grab in life.

God gave us gifts, your closest family.. friends. to say that he was the one responsible of taking away any of those relationships "away" from us-- who are we to throw those gifts away, and not appreciate what he has given us. shouldn't we be thankful for the time we've spent with out loved ones? and be thankful for what we've learned from our loved ones, and experienced with them?

in the last letter that mccandless sent to franz-- he wrote:

"you are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is everything and anything we might experience. we just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living."

franz has been given a gift from God, and an experience which changed his way of living. i hope franz eventually gained the courage to put down the whiskey once again, and thank God for His gift to him.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/105580

"One night, as I'm standing on LaSalle Street in Chicago, trying to line up a shot for "The Dark Knight," a production assistant skateboards into my line of sight. Silently, I curse the moment that Heath first skated onto our set in full character makeup. I'd fretted about the reaction of Batman fans to a skateboarding Joker, but the actual result was a proliferation of skateboards among the younger crew members. If you'd asked those kids why they had chosen to bring their boards to work, they would have answered honestly that they didn't know. That's real charismaóas invisible and natural as gravity. That's what Heath had.

Heath was bursting with creativity. It was in his every gesture. He once told me that he liked to wait between jobs until he was creatively hungry. Until he needed it again. He brought that attitude to our set every day. There aren't many actors who can make you feel ashamed of how often you complain about doing the best job in the world. Heath was one of them.

One time he and another actor were shooting a complex scene. We had two days to shoot it, and at the end of the first day, they'd really found something and Heath was worried that he might not have it if we stopped. He wanted to carry on and finish. It's tough to ask the crew to work late when we all know there's plenty of time to finish the next day. But everyone seemed to understand that Heath had something special and that we had to capture it before it disappeared. Months later, I learned that as Heath left the set that night, he quietly thanked each crew member for working late. Quietly. Not trying to make a point, just grateful for the chance to create that they'd given him.

Those nights on the streets of Chicago were filled with stunts. These can be boring times for an actor, but Heath was fascinated, eagerly accepting our invitation to ride in the camera car as we chased vehicles through movie trafficónot just for the thrill ride, but to be a part of it. Of everything. He'd brought his laptop along in the car, and we had a high-speed screening of two of his works-in-progress: short films he'd made that were exciting and haunting. Their exuberance made me feel jaded and leaden. I've never felt as old as I did watching Heath explore his talents. That night I made him an offeróknowing he wouldn't take me up on itóthat he should feel free to come by the set when he had a night off so he could see what we were up to.

When you get into the edit suite after shooting a movie, you feel a responsibility to an actor who has trusted you, and Heath gave us everything. As we started my cut, I would wonder about each take we chose, each trim we made. I would visualize the screening where we'd have to show him the finished filmósitting three or four rows behind him, watching the movements of his head for clues to what he was thinking about what we'd done with all that he'd given us. Now that screening will never be real. I see him every day in my edit suite. I study his face, his voice. And I miss him terribly.

Back on LaSalle Street, I turn to my assistant director and I tell him to clear the skateboarding kid out of my line of sight when I realizeóit's Heath, woolly hat pulled low over his eyes, here on his night off to take me up on my offer. I can't help but smile."

- Christopher Nolan

watching the dark knight tomorrow night-- can't wait!

my interests are swaying.

i see white earphones everywhere-- i think i'd rather read a book, and keep my ears open to conversation.

religulous-- a film by bill maher.

after watching the trailer to this film, i headed over to the imdb boards to see what i expected to see-- you just can't help but become fascinated by all the complaints, debates, and witty comebacks that people are throwing at each other on that message board. it's absolute war. and that's the sad thing. there's ignorance on every side.

honestly-- to see this film being made, makes me upset. and no, it's not because i'm a believer. i just don't see why maher needs to justify his views through a film. there is no doubt that he has an athiestic agenda. in an interview with larry king, he clearly proposes that this is a documentary told from an atheist's point of view. maher hopes that the audience will laugh along with his journey because religion (like politics) is just so "inherently funny." well, there is no doubt that this is going to please the crowds.

michael moore made a film about how horrible our president was. but even people who did not support bush found the film absurd. even atheiests will find religulous absurd.

i get that maher is a comedian who has the freedom of speech. the problem is-- he is only on one side here. if his agenda was to build a reasonable debate between opposite views on the subject of religion-- then that would've made a worthy documentary.

the sad thing is that maher is a celebrity who has the star power, time, and money to produce a film like religulous. honestly, this guy is no different then any other average joe who gets heated up on religious topics on your (imdb) message boards.

great.. i really hope that no one gets the bright idea of making a documentary film on proving how "ridiculous" athiesm is. that would be just as bad.