where i'm suppose to be?

during my visit to ncbc today, i kept on asking God if there was any way for me to come back.




i keep looking back to a specific time which i can never forget about. during the last night of the "resonate" winter retreat in 2005, i remember sitting somewhere in the back of service, observing the crowd of students in front of me. we were in a session of prayer. i sat there thinking about many things-- my relationship with God, the given message that night.

the message was powerful, and overwhelmingly truthful to my ears and heart. as i continued to observe the students sitting, kneeling, standing, in front of me, my eyes became glued on every student in that room.


i genuinely felt lost after graduating high school. i knew to the eyes of many, that i was looked upon as a student without any real ambition to succeed. no matter how many friends and family liked to look at it in a more positive manner, i knew that my image was still stained with failure. i did feel ashamed, and beat down-- and i didn't know how to explain the fact that i didn't choose to fail. why would i make the choice to fail?


i stared upon every student in that room, and i didn't want to respond to God. i honestly couldn't believe what was going through my mind while sitting there. and that's when i completely broke apart.

how do i describe a calling? i wish i could say that it felt like a beam of warm sunlight shining down onto my face. i knew that i didn't want to respond to God, because i felt immense pain as i tried standing up for myself. i said no, because i wanted something else-- i did want the "success" of whatever a college student needed to achieve, and all the fun on top of it. heh.. and i certainly did not want to re-live high school.

i did not know any of the students.. i didn't know any of their faces or names.. yet i was able to identify with all of them. i think that was the reason why i couldn't lay my eyes off of any person in that room.. and i think that's what propelled me to accept what God wanted me to do.






three years later-- i find a passion to pursue a film career, and i'm brought to an art school in san francisco. so far, it's been an extraordinary experience. it's what the experience becomes when i'm given this privilege and freedom to learn what i want to learn.

during those three years at ncbc, i know that i was still looked upon as a person of no success. but, i no longer felt ashamed of myself, nor beat down. i wish i could tell any person how overwhelming the experience was to serve in the youth ministry. and i wish i could explain that it wasn't just about hanging out with the kids. i want to say that it was all good, but it was an experience that was far from perfect. it was during those times when i fell the hardest, but kept getting back up. that was what i lived for, and that's what i learned to keep living for.

i thank God for giving me the opportunity to know every stranger in that youth group. it was the strangest thing to eventually find myself unattachable to the body of ncbc ym.




i've been asking Him lately.. did i abandon my desire to serve my generation?

i have the ambition to pursue art, but my truest desires lie in serving those students. i understand why God has kept me at ncbc, but i'm confused about why i had to move on from that.

everytime i visit ncbc, it's a great feeling to be welcomed back (as a visitor), but that's something i never wanted. i want to continue to know how those students are living their lives, and i want to be a helping hand to their growth.

am i serving two masters right now? as much as i love this fresh learning experience, i feel like i've lost a good thing. is this suppose to be some kind of balance in my life?

i don't have any real conclusion to this post. i can only say that i'm continuing to search for clearer discernment. in the meantime, i'm doing my best to keep my relationship strong. it's truly been difficult at times to find time for God. since i'm now finding another pathway in serving, i'm taking on the challenge in spreading the good news through my art.